The sticker…	Comments…
Caution: Driver no longer gives a shit	Thanks, Kerry O., February 2001
Driver naked from the waist down.	Thanks, Dennis, February 2001, who thinks this SHOULD be a bumpersticker!
I beat up 4 hippies and all I got was this dumb bus	Thanks, Steve B., who has this on his VW bus. January 2001.
Drive it like you stole it	Thanks, Dave K., January 2001.
As a matter of fact, I DO own the road!	Thanks, Andy J., who writes, "seen on the back of a yellow DOT maintenance truck." Hey, that's good! December 2000.
As the matter of fact I do own the damn road!	Alexander sent this in December 2000.
If you can beat me you can eat me	Thanks, Ashley JO, December 2000. She wrote to ask me where she might be able to buy this one.Game girl.
F**k Fear	Thanks, Jeni D., January 2001, who writes, "this is on the side of my drag car." Roll fast, Jeni!
Driver has no money onboard. He owns a racecar.	Thanks, Greg K., December 2000.
Racecar spelled backwards is racecar.	Thanks, Greg K., December 2000.
If you must drink and drive...we'll provide the chaser	Thanks, Rob A. of Kansas City, October 2000, who writes, "This is on the backs of our department's police cruisers." Good message.
I'm not a bitch, I'm THE bitch!	Thanks, Nenad K., October 2000, who "saw this on a convertible with California plates."
Shift Happens	Thanks, Kerry O., September 2000.
I'll bet you a new car that I can stop faster than you can!	Thanks, Mark R., Ausgust 2000, who defines it simply as a "bumper sticker for tailgaters..."
Why drink and drive when you can smoke pot and fly?	Thanks Maciek Z., May 2000.
Don't drink and drive, smoke and fly!	Thanks, Chris B., February 2001.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.	Thanks, Waid P., April 2000.
God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.	Washington Post's Best Bumperstickers of 1999. (Thanks to my own Pa for sending 'em in, February 2000!)
Please! One traffic violation at a time.	Thanks, Bob Ruge, February 2000.
There is such thing as positive aggresion! Like aggressivly getting the hell out of my way.	Thanks, Bob Ruge, February 2000.
You'd have to be pretty secure to drive this.	Thanks, Amy from Alaska, February 2000.
If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.	Thanks, Hedrick and Dave O'D, January 2000.
Caution: I speed up to run over small animals.	Rick Barnes saw this in PA on a beat-up pick-up. Thanks, Rick. December 1999.
the tires are the things on the car that make contact with the road	Thanks, Kimon Ioannides, December 1999. He adds, "Strange indeed. I am still thinking about the meaning. It may be years." If even then, I think. It turns out that this is a line from a Phish song on the album "Junta." Thanks Rob C., Diane C., Tim C., all of whom answered the reference question, though none of whom share the same last name!
If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.	Thanks, Dave Norton, October 1999.
Honk If Parts Fall Off	Thanks, Sarah, who saw this "on a rattly old VW bus with a nervous looking dog in the passenger seat." October 1999.
My Other Car is a Piece of Shit, Too	Thanks, Camille, October 2000.
This is my other car.	Thanks, Tucson Jim, July 2000.
It's a Jeep thing. You wouldn't understand.	A twist on "It's a black thing. You wouldn't understand." I find this as unpleasant as the appropriation of the peace sign for Verizon Wireless.
Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ASS?	Charming.
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!	Practical.
Drive Now - Talk Later	The sticker, issued for only the price of a self-addressed stamped envelope, by Click and Clack, The Tappet Brothers (aka Tom and Ray Magliozzi of NPR's Car Talk).
Yield to the Princess	Excellent! Outside Boston, August 1999.
I live, sleep, eat, breathe and love motorcycles.	Seen near Boston, August 1999. You think this person cares at all about motorcycles?
Shhhh. Driver Asleep.	Seen near Boston, May 1999.
Don't Wash. Dirt test in progress.	Seen near Boston, May 1999.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.	Cecilia sent this, February 1999.
Relax, it's just a lane change.	Richard P. saw this on a car that cut him off, March 1999
Honk if you love peace and quiet.	Cecilia sent this, February 1999.
Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window	From physics student Andrew K., March 1999.
HONK! If you had sex with the President	Kathy S., the D.C. Collection, Feb 1999.
CAUTION - Driver legally blonde	From physics student Andrew K., March 1999.
Caution: I drive like you do.	Ben R. sent this along, January 1999.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?	From Shirley M., November 1998.
I Brake for Hookers	Emailed by my friend Swifti, June 1998.
I Brake for Hallucinations	Thanks, Julian Bond, November 1999.
I Brake for Him	Religiousity on the road. Thanks, Amie Ahern, December 1999.
I brake for no apparent reason.	Ben R. sent this along, January 1999.
I brake for no reason.	Kim S. from Copenhagen sent this in; she says, and I agree, that this is a tighter form. January 2001.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.	Cecilia sent this, February 1999. Echoed by Waid P., April 2000.
If you can beat me, you can eat me!	Allegedly seen on a Corvette driven by a drop-dead gorgeous blonde. From physics student Andrew K., March 1999.
I'm just driving this way to piss you off.	Emailed by my friend Swifti, June 1998.
Remember folks: Stop lights timed for 35mph are also timed for 70mph.	From physics student Andrew K., March 1999.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.	Cecilia sent this, February 1999.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?	From Shirley M., November 1998.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?	From Shirley M., November 1998.
If you can read this - you're too damn close!
If you can read this, please flip me back over.	Seen upside down on a Jeep. From physics student Andrew K., March 1999, Dave Norton, November 1999.
If you can read this, you are in range.	Thanks, Brandy T., Feb 1999, who writes "This one is on the trailer for my friends' Civil War cannons - which they load backwards, facing the car behind! They don't get tailgated...." I bet not!
If you can read this… thank a teacher
If you can read this it means I've lost my caravan!	(A "caravan" is Aussie/UK English for a camper trailer.) Thanks, Geoff S., January 1999
If you can read this, my wife fell off.	Seen on the back of a biker's vest. From physics student Andrew K., March 1999.
If you can read this, the bitch fell off.	Thanks, Brian Heess, whose big-bike buddy took this one to the next level.
‡Chrome don't get ya home	I assume this is an argument against fancy trim and other non-functional geegaws. Thanks, J.L., January 1999
I'd rather eat shit than drive a Jap truck!	The good thing about this was it was seen on a Ford Courier, which is, you guessed it, a re-badged Mazda from Japan. Thanks, Dave N., July 1998
I slow for tailgaters
I'm not tailgating, I'm drafting
Your tailgating intimidation is wasted on my cruise control.	Thanks to the creator of this one, Harold H., November 1998. In his email he noted that it has cut down on tailgating.
When I grow up I want to be a diesel
The Closer You Get, The Slower I Go	Thanks, "onegr8mom," who wrote, ". It must help stop tailgaters, I know I slowed down when I read it on the car ahead of me :) " January 2001.
This is not an abandoned vehicle	Seen on a rusty ol' pick up. Thanks, Katie (or Erin?) May 1998, and more recetly, by my wife (9/2000).
My car goes 0 - 60 and I'm proud	Thanks, Grant B., May 1998
I'm just driving this way to piss you off.	Thanks, Mark L., April 1998
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.	Thanks, Mark L., April 1998
It's time to pull over and change the air in your head	Andrea R., March 1997. Thanks!
Women may come, and women may go, but you can always rely on your truck.
Bad Cop No Donut	(Who in their right mind would invite trouble by putting this antagonizer on his or her bumper?)
Get in, sit down, shut up, and hold on.	Thanks, Lisa S., March 1998
I couldn't fix your brakes, so I made your horn louder.	Thanks, Kathy S., Dec 1997
Looking for your cat? Check under my wheels.	This one my boss saw up in New Hampshire on a monster truck with big big tires. Ha ha? Thanks, Mark! 12/1997
Real men don't wear bowties	Thanks, Bruce McIntosh. He says this an obscure derogatory reference to Chevy V8 engines. 11/1997.
If God is your co-pilot, SWITCH SEATS	Thanks to my friend Chris K who phoned this in 11/9/1997.
WARNING: I drive like you do!	Thanks, alert reader Jim Dempsey! 10/1997.
Why am I the only one on the planet who knows how to drive
Real women drive trucks
Real women ride motorcycles
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Friends don't let friends drive Fords
Friends don't let friends drive Chevys
!SLAMINA ROF EKARB OHW ELPOEP TIH I	That's "I HIT PEOPLE WHO BRAKE FOR ANIMALS!" Backwards.
At least it's paid for
Baby I'm bored
Baby on board
Brat in trunk
Babe on Board	Thanks, Steve S., for pointing out www.lovebumps.com, November 2000.
Check twice - save a life
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
DIE TAILGATER SKUM!
Don't drink and drive.
Don't drink and drive. You might spill.
Don't Drive Under The Influence
Don't Drive Unless You're Sober Please
Don't laugh - your daughter may be in here
Don't Tailgate
Drive like hell - you'll get there!
Ex-Boyfriend in Trunk	The great part is, my friend Kathy S. saw this on a hatch-back! (April 1998)
Ex-Girlfriend in Trunk
Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal !
Friends don't let friends drive drunk.
Friends don't let Friends drive Naked
Gas, Grass or Ass - nobody rides for free
GET OFF THE PHONE AND DRIVE!
Put away your make-up and drive.	Thanks, Mark L., April 1998
Put away your lipstick and drive.	Thanks, Mark L., April 1998
Hang Up And Drive
Go ahead and hit me - I need the money
Honk if you love goat cheese	Thanks to my brother Gordy. 7/1997
Honk if you are codependent
How's my driving? Call 1-800-EAT SHIT
I Brake for Penguins	Thanks, Camille, October 2000.
I Brake for Animals
I Brake for Lunch	Thanks, alert reader Jim J.!
I Brake for No Apparent Reason
I Brake for Tailgaters!
I Brake for Unicorns
I HIT PEOPLE WHO BRAKE FOR ANIMALS!
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
I'd Rather be Driving my Tank
If the van is rockin' don't come knockin'
If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk
If you must drink and drive, drink Pepsi.
If you're not a hemorrhoid - get off my ass!
Mafia Staff Car - Keepa You Hands Off	Thanks, Hartmut! Feb 1999
Mother-in-law in trunk
My Other Car is a Bicycle
My Other Car is a Broom
My other car is a Rolls Royce
My other car is a Dogsled	Seen in Maine, August 1998
MY OTHER CAR IS AT THE IRS!
My other car is up my nose.	Thanks, Jack, 3/30/1998.
Please honk if you would like to see my finger.
So many pedestrians, so little time.
This Car Insured By Smith and Wesson
Tow-ers will be violated
Truckers F*** More
Turn signal broken, watch for finger.	Thanks, alert reader Kathy S.
You Toucha My Car I Breaka You Face	Thanks, Hartmut, Feb 1999

Back to the Bumpersticker Compendium homepage